Friday, July 11, 2008
Happy days
I woke up in the morning to find a rain-kissed day dawning upon me. A madhumalti creeper runs right over my bedroom window; and like a wizard it climbs up over the terrace. The rains had brought the heady fragrance of its blossoms wafting through the window, and there were a dozen other scents running amok in the air. The meetha limda tree was also in blossom and I could trace the fragrance of its flowers and I woke up feeling intoxicated.
I found out that my little garden had indeed turned a new leaf. All the plants, shrubs and creepers were deliriously happy, they looked scrubbed clean and it felt as if everything about the day was made to order! Made to order to please me! I took a few pictures. I felt like Alice in Wonderland.
The fragrances reminded me of the trip that I had taken to Coorg. Coorg is known for its coffee plantations and we (Mukta, Dhara and I) were in Coorg just in time for the coffee blossoms; they spring forth only once in a year. It is almost a surreal experience to wander through the coffee plantations. Like a man drunk on good wine, after some 15 minutes or so, you actually begin to stumble and feel light and gay. The blossoms let out such an intoxicating fragrance that you are high without a drop of alcohol.
We had stayed at a home stay in Coorg and it turned out to be such an idyllic vacation. A beautiful traditional red tiled Coorgi home. Two dogs and a cat. Rich coffee any time of the day. Homemade food and wine (honey, garlic, strawberry and grape) that reflected a very rich cuisine. A fireplace and an arm chair. A garden to wander about.
I had felt myself slowing down: thinking less, speaking without a rush, a feeling of being at peace, at home. There were other guests at the home stay and conversation flowed easy. While it rained one night, every one gathered near the fire place, and among glasses of homemade wine, one of the guests picked up his guitar and belted out a few songs. Everyone joined in, the rain went rim-jhim in harmony, a fire fly circled our heads briefly, the dog came and sat near my feet, the host came along with trays of fish, egg curry, chicken, rice, sambhar, rice cakes, idli, stuffed capsicum, a salad, four different types of chutney... It was heaven.
It was a happy day. And it is a happy day today. Thank god for happy days.
I found out that my little garden had indeed turned a new leaf. All the plants, shrubs and creepers were deliriously happy, they looked scrubbed clean and it felt as if everything about the day was made to order! Made to order to please me! I took a few pictures. I felt like Alice in Wonderland.
The fragrances reminded me of the trip that I had taken to Coorg. Coorg is known for its coffee plantations and we (Mukta, Dhara and I) were in Coorg just in time for the coffee blossoms; they spring forth only once in a year. It is almost a surreal experience to wander through the coffee plantations. Like a man drunk on good wine, after some 15 minutes or so, you actually begin to stumble and feel light and gay. The blossoms let out such an intoxicating fragrance that you are high without a drop of alcohol.
We had stayed at a home stay in Coorg and it turned out to be such an idyllic vacation. A beautiful traditional red tiled Coorgi home. Two dogs and a cat. Rich coffee any time of the day. Homemade food and wine (honey, garlic, strawberry and grape) that reflected a very rich cuisine. A fireplace and an arm chair. A garden to wander about.
I had felt myself slowing down: thinking less, speaking without a rush, a feeling of being at peace, at home. There were other guests at the home stay and conversation flowed easy. While it rained one night, every one gathered near the fire place, and among glasses of homemade wine, one of the guests picked up his guitar and belted out a few songs. Everyone joined in, the rain went rim-jhim in harmony, a fire fly circled our heads briefly, the dog came and sat near my feet, the host came along with trays of fish, egg curry, chicken, rice, sambhar, rice cakes, idli, stuffed capsicum, a salad, four different types of chutney... It was heaven.
It was a happy day. And it is a happy day today. Thank god for happy days.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Sick leave!
I have been at home for the last five weeks. I fell ill and was diagnosed with jaundice. The first week or so, I was on bed rest and that part was awful. I threw up a lot, couldn't bear to look at food, lost weight rapidly, and itched all over besides looking like a bride who had forgotten to wash off the turmeric over her body after the haldi ceremony!
But these weeks at home (a rare, rare thing. Actually, this is the first time that I have been at home for so long, doing, as they say, nothing!) gave me some simple pleasures and how I loved them. Today, I was writing my diary and I listed them down.
1. Sleeping in the afternoon after spending a leisurely hour at the dining table relishing a home made meal with my parents.
2. Watering the plants in the garden and plucking lovely, fragrant, moon like white mogras and handing them over to mummy so that they can be used in the puja the next morning. Or arranging a bunch of garden flowers in a large bowl which is to be placed on the bedside.
2. Waking up after an afternoon nap at 4 and making a Prerna Special chai for Prerna and papa. The recipe for the Prerna Special chai is : a few leaves of Tulsi, mint, lili cha (lemon grass), chai masala, a sprinkling of Saunf and ginger are added to water which is set to boil. Once it does, add the chai patti and sugar. The milk comes last. Let it simmer, raise the container a few times over the gas ring, let the chai simmer again and it's ready to be served in a lovely blue porcelain cup! We had the tea on the swing on our porch. We discussed mundane things, there was no rush to go any where, no fixed agenda. Once while we were having our tea, it rained. The water came all around us in a lovely pitter patter and while the roof over the swing made sure we didn't get wet, a lovely fragrance of wet earth surrounded us.
4. Friends and family come over to 'visit' me. How I looked forward to those visits!
5. Gossip magazines. I begged my father to take me to Landmark and while I was there I bought gossip magazines, Agatha Christie's and a couple of more books. You know, I had never really cared about gossip magazines. But they are so interesting! Did you know for instance, that Rosa (Saif's ex) didn't know that he was married when she started going around with him (or so she claims!). Or for that matter Mika thinks that "A girl's figure turns me on. Her face doesn't really matter... All my wishes have been fulfilled. I have a huge fan following, have bodyguards and just got a Hummer..." Do you care? I don't but when you are home and sick, gossip magazines can spice your life up! Or so I discovered!
6. Sitting on the porch with clean white sheets of paper, lots of sketch pens and water colours. Trying to copy the flowers or recreate the birds on your paper.
7. Waiting for the monthly groceries to arrive. Then sifting through the bag and taking out packets of sugar, tea, biscuits, wafers, coffee. Finding clean, good smelling glass jars and carefully emptying the packets into them.
8. Spending two hours on rearranging your wardrobe and looking into details like --- putting soap wrappers between clothes so that they smell good, tying small red satin ribbons on the wardrobe handles, going through your earring collection.
9. Having a friend come over with an unexpected gift, just to cheer you up.
10. Trying to make yourself useful by sitting on the dining table and chopping the greens.
11. Having the beauty parlour lady come home and do your pedicure. Even if you haven't gone out in weeks and wouldn't do so for weeks. Just for yourself. So that your toe nails are in shape and they are painted in a beautiful, soft pink.
I realise the wisdom of Susan Madam's words: "Prerna, sometimes your body falls sick just because it wants you to pause and do things that you might not have done otherwise."
Swati Vishwanath Nage's death set me thinking
On June 17, there was a news item about a young woman Swati Vishwanath Nage, 29 who fell off a local train while on her way to work in Mumbai. A couple of days later, there were several follow up stories and one of the most poignant details that emerged about Swati was how she was supporting her family who lived in Valsad. She had postponed her marriage so that she could help her father, who had a small transport business and owned a truck, to pay off the educational loan that he had taken for her younger brother. Her father told newspapers that his daughter sent home money every month and was dedicated to the family. I wondered, had Swati postponed her marriage because she feared that her husband might have objected to her helping her family financially?
A new month will begin on Tuesday but I haven't been able to get Swati out of my head. What happened was truly unfortunate and I can only imagine how her parents must feel. I think what really struck me about Swati was that she was the face of the contemporary Indian woman. A woman with a good education, a woman with a drive to put that education into good use and an unfailing, touching dedication towards her family. A woman who worked hard, a woman who had dreams of a better future.
I have felt acutely over the last couple of years that as Indian women continue to take on varied roles and responsibilities, our society continues to fail them.
I am talking about attitudes. You see, as women focus on getting themselves a solid education and then a good job, and bringing home a salary that they generously share with their family (be it their parents or husband and parents in law) they are still held back by some out of date beliefs and value systems.
I have met so women who talk about how running a home is solely their responsibility in spite of the fact that they work as hard as their husbands. How their parents-in-law and their husbands forbid them to hire domestic helps like a cook, silencing them with "You can't escape cooking just because you work. When I come home at the end of the day I want food that is cooked by you. I don't want someone else to do your job" I believe cooking is therapeutic and a great art for those who enjoy it but if you have a job that entails that you will return late in the evening, you might want some help. Even women who are homemakers would want a break once in a while, a sort of weekly off that all of us in the organised sector duly claim as our right.
Recently, I received a phone call from a 33 year old US based guy, who's done no less than a Ph.D in his area of interest. He was raised in India and went to live in the US some 11 years ago. The conversation that we had will remain in my mind for a long time. Here are a few excerpts. "How would you address your husband to be? As tu or tame? (tu is the Gujarati equivalent of the Hindi tum , and similarly tame is the equivalent of the Hindi aap.) I told him that it would be something that I and and my husband would discuss. We would zero in on a form of address that both of us felt comfortable in. I also told him that I hadn't really thought of something like that but now that he asked me I recollect that most of my friends call their husbands by their names or in a very endearing way by using tu but it denotes no disrespect. I asked him, whether he would like to call his wife tame? "Well, women aren't usually addressed as tame. It's only the men who get to be called tame. And I have seen my sisters addressing their husbands as tame and I would like it to be in my case as well. The whole question is about how a woman will address her husband." His next question (and this was the first time we were interacting) was, "So, when you get married would you choose to take on your husband's surname or keep both the surnames? I have seen women using their maiden and husband's surname after their names, with a hyphen between both the surnames. I don't agree with that, it doesn't make sense. When a woman marries, she has to blend in with her husband's family. And when she changes her surname it is a step towards complete blending in. It is an affirmation of her commitment towards the guy's family." And then, he asked me whether I fasted, went to temples, or did the puja every morning. And that if I had eggs, did I have them once a week, every day or once a month? There were other things as well that really got me thinking, but I was genuinely surprised and taken aback with his conviction that (a) a husband has to be addressed as tame and that a woman of course, can't expect the same in return. Would he look down in contempt upon couples who addressed each other by their first names or especially towards women who chose to call their husband by their names or tu? (As in, a woman addressed her husband with - "Suresh, tu ketla vage ghare aavish?" (Suresh, what time would you come home?) (B), his firm opinion that women can't keep their maiden and husband's surname together and that forsaking your maiden surname is a sign of commitment. I have come across various couples, in my personal as well as professional interactions. While some women have happily changed their surnames, some have kept both set of surnames, while yet others have kept their maiden ones. I had never thought of any of the couples in a derogatory way at all. But this guy's line of thinking made me realise that not only would he have it only his way, he would probably look at women who choose to retain their maiden surnames as the sort of ones who hadn't "committed" to their husbands!
And these aren't isolated cases. My colleague at work told me about a guy who upon finding out that she was an only child and was helping her parents with monthly household expenses told her, or rather had the gall to tell her: "I really like everything about you. But the thing is, what worries me is that you help your parents with money. After we get married, I am afraid that you might continue doing so and even if it is from your own salary, I wouldn't like it. Besides, what if after a couple of years your parents might want to come and stay near you? What if they buy a house in the city where we settle?" Another friend told me about her experience, this time, it was the mother of the guy who said, "I would like a working woman. These days, one needs two salaries to run a household. After all, how can we buy things or take holidays every year if we don't have a double income? But I would like that the girl also completely takes care of the household. Our neighbour's daughter in law for instance, cooks, cleans, washes up, sweeps and goes to work. I would like my daughter in law to do the same." Yet another colleague told me about how her neighbour treats her daughter in law. The daughter in law isn't permitted to venture out without her mother-in-law's permission and when my colleague had once gone over with a bowl of kheer for the daughter in law, her mother in law had remarked, "Oh, you could have got her the left over tomorrow. After all, daughters in laws can't expect to be served fresh food."
I know that there are countless examples to counter these examples and there are good things happening as well, but I gather that there is a long way to go. We need to raise our sons differently, we need to accept that women are handling many more things than they ever did before, and they need help from their families to be able to do these things with perfection and they deserve to be treated better.
A new month will begin on Tuesday but I haven't been able to get Swati out of my head. What happened was truly unfortunate and I can only imagine how her parents must feel. I think what really struck me about Swati was that she was the face of the contemporary Indian woman. A woman with a good education, a woman with a drive to put that education into good use and an unfailing, touching dedication towards her family. A woman who worked hard, a woman who had dreams of a better future.
I have felt acutely over the last couple of years that as Indian women continue to take on varied roles and responsibilities, our society continues to fail them.
I am talking about attitudes. You see, as women focus on getting themselves a solid education and then a good job, and bringing home a salary that they generously share with their family (be it their parents or husband and parents in law) they are still held back by some out of date beliefs and value systems.
I have met so women who talk about how running a home is solely their responsibility in spite of the fact that they work as hard as their husbands. How their parents-in-law and their husbands forbid them to hire domestic helps like a cook, silencing them with "You can't escape cooking just because you work. When I come home at the end of the day I want food that is cooked by you. I don't want someone else to do your job" I believe cooking is therapeutic and a great art for those who enjoy it but if you have a job that entails that you will return late in the evening, you might want some help. Even women who are homemakers would want a break once in a while, a sort of weekly off that all of us in the organised sector duly claim as our right.
Recently, I received a phone call from a 33 year old US based guy, who's done no less than a Ph.D in his area of interest. He was raised in India and went to live in the US some 11 years ago. The conversation that we had will remain in my mind for a long time. Here are a few excerpts. "How would you address your husband to be? As tu or tame? (tu is the Gujarati equivalent of the Hindi tum , and similarly tame is the equivalent of the Hindi aap.) I told him that it would be something that I and and my husband would discuss. We would zero in on a form of address that both of us felt comfortable in. I also told him that I hadn't really thought of something like that but now that he asked me I recollect that most of my friends call their husbands by their names or in a very endearing way by using tu but it denotes no disrespect. I asked him, whether he would like to call his wife tame? "Well, women aren't usually addressed as tame. It's only the men who get to be called tame. And I have seen my sisters addressing their husbands as tame and I would like it to be in my case as well. The whole question is about how a woman will address her husband." His next question (and this was the first time we were interacting) was, "So, when you get married would you choose to take on your husband's surname or keep both the surnames? I have seen women using their maiden and husband's surname after their names, with a hyphen between both the surnames. I don't agree with that, it doesn't make sense. When a woman marries, she has to blend in with her husband's family. And when she changes her surname it is a step towards complete blending in. It is an affirmation of her commitment towards the guy's family." And then, he asked me whether I fasted, went to temples, or did the puja every morning. And that if I had eggs, did I have them once a week, every day or once a month? There were other things as well that really got me thinking, but I was genuinely surprised and taken aback with his conviction that (a) a husband has to be addressed as tame and that a woman of course, can't expect the same in return. Would he look down in contempt upon couples who addressed each other by their first names or especially towards women who chose to call their husband by their names or tu? (As in, a woman addressed her husband with - "Suresh, tu ketla vage ghare aavish?" (Suresh, what time would you come home?) (B), his firm opinion that women can't keep their maiden and husband's surname together and that forsaking your maiden surname is a sign of commitment. I have come across various couples, in my personal as well as professional interactions. While some women have happily changed their surnames, some have kept both set of surnames, while yet others have kept their maiden ones. I had never thought of any of the couples in a derogatory way at all. But this guy's line of thinking made me realise that not only would he have it only his way, he would probably look at women who choose to retain their maiden surnames as the sort of ones who hadn't "committed" to their husbands!
And these aren't isolated cases. My colleague at work told me about a guy who upon finding out that she was an only child and was helping her parents with monthly household expenses told her, or rather had the gall to tell her: "I really like everything about you. But the thing is, what worries me is that you help your parents with money. After we get married, I am afraid that you might continue doing so and even if it is from your own salary, I wouldn't like it. Besides, what if after a couple of years your parents might want to come and stay near you? What if they buy a house in the city where we settle?" Another friend told me about her experience, this time, it was the mother of the guy who said, "I would like a working woman. These days, one needs two salaries to run a household. After all, how can we buy things or take holidays every year if we don't have a double income? But I would like that the girl also completely takes care of the household. Our neighbour's daughter in law for instance, cooks, cleans, washes up, sweeps and goes to work. I would like my daughter in law to do the same." Yet another colleague told me about how her neighbour treats her daughter in law. The daughter in law isn't permitted to venture out without her mother-in-law's permission and when my colleague had once gone over with a bowl of kheer for the daughter in law, her mother in law had remarked, "Oh, you could have got her the left over tomorrow. After all, daughters in laws can't expect to be served fresh food."
I know that there are countless examples to counter these examples and there are good things happening as well, but I gather that there is a long way to go. We need to raise our sons differently, we need to accept that women are handling many more things than they ever did before, and they need help from their families to be able to do these things with perfection and they deserve to be treated better.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
My soul needed some soup :-)
There are blogs. And there is the blog. Where would mine be? Haven't a clue because at 28 (one month due for turning 29), I have never been very definitive about life. Except for say, that I always knew that I didn't want a career in Maths and that I was straight. I was feeling particularly blue last week until I went to cover a book reading cum launch session of Nishant Kaushik's Watch Out! We are MBA. (I am a journo btw and have been so for six years and I am thinking of not being one for a year or so.)
Well, so I went to this book reading and there he was - Nishant Kaushik. The press note described him as 'a young, enterprising consultant with Infosys Technologies...' and sure, he was young and quite good looking at that. Had a very well toned body and while he was reading an excerpt from his book , I was thinking of how I always thought of going to the gym and how I never did. That is besides the point actually.
What I was saying that I had been feeling particularly blue that week. You know how it is. I am 28, turning 29 soon. I am still in the same city where I was born (I sort of really like the city but I think I getting a little restive now). Even after reading Po Brosnan's What should I do with my life? and finding out that there are various people who have no idea of what they should do with their life, I felt no better about not knowing what I should do with mine.
So while at the session, I was thinking about how this guy has debuted with his first novel, and mine was still somewhere lost in the recesses of my mind and imagination. And then he said, (something to that effect): "I would like my readers to know that many intelligent people don't know what they want in life even after till they are 40. But what is more important that they know what they don't want to."
Aha, I felt. I certainly know what I don't want to. I don't want to be ever giving maths papers. I don't want to die without writing something of consequence (I am impressed!). I don't want to be involved, ever, ever, ever with a married man, though I certainly want to marry a man. (whom I can grow to love if I am already not in love or something close to that when I marry him.) And if I am married, I don't want to be without children.
Now how do I get going to get close to what I want? At this point, I am taking solace in what many life coaches seem to be reinforcing in their writings: "When you really want something , the whole universe conspires to get it for you."
Just in case, the universe wants to know. The tag line for my gmail account reads: 'A house of my own, a dog at my feet, a porch and a garden, and a man whom I can call 'honey!' :-)'
Well, so I went to this book reading and there he was - Nishant Kaushik. The press note described him as 'a young, enterprising consultant with Infosys Technologies...' and sure, he was young and quite good looking at that. Had a very well toned body and while he was reading an excerpt from his book , I was thinking of how I always thought of going to the gym and how I never did. That is besides the point actually.
What I was saying that I had been feeling particularly blue that week. You know how it is. I am 28, turning 29 soon. I am still in the same city where I was born (I sort of really like the city but I think I getting a little restive now). Even after reading Po Brosnan's What should I do with my life? and finding out that there are various people who have no idea of what they should do with their life, I felt no better about not knowing what I should do with mine.
So while at the session, I was thinking about how this guy has debuted with his first novel, and mine was still somewhere lost in the recesses of my mind and imagination. And then he said, (something to that effect): "I would like my readers to know that many intelligent people don't know what they want in life even after till they are 40. But what is more important that they know what they don't want to."
Aha, I felt. I certainly know what I don't want to. I don't want to be ever giving maths papers. I don't want to die without writing something of consequence (I am impressed!). I don't want to be involved, ever, ever, ever with a married man, though I certainly want to marry a man. (whom I can grow to love if I am already not in love or something close to that when I marry him.) And if I am married, I don't want to be without children.
Now how do I get going to get close to what I want? At this point, I am taking solace in what many life coaches seem to be reinforcing in their writings: "When you really want something , the whole universe conspires to get it for you."
Just in case, the universe wants to know. The tag line for my gmail account reads: 'A house of my own, a dog at my feet, a porch and a garden, and a man whom I can call 'honey!' :-)'
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